Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Official Report Does Not Lie
This story is a great display of the power and control the Chinese government has over the media. When I went to check out some of the bbs discussions, they had already been deleted. Shanghai Daily and China Daily did not even have an article about this incident.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Traffic Laws in the P.R.C
I've never read the actual traffic laws of the People's Republic of China, but here's my version of it:
Section I: Parking
Article 1: You may park your vehicle anywhere you'd like, including the sidewalk, unless a police officer wishes to park in your spot.
Article 2: If a police officer tries to give you a parking ticket, you may cuss at him.
Article 3: When parking on a street, you may park your vehicle 5 feet away from the curb, at most. It doesn't matter if your vehicle has blocked a portion of the driving lane.
Section II: Right of Way
Article 1: The right of way belongs to the vehicle that is the largest, or has the loudest horn. The only exceptions are police cars, who always have the right of way.
Article 2: The simple order is as follows: Bulldozers, Dump Trucks, Public Buses, Ivecos, Cars, Ambulances, Motorcycles, Mopeds, Electric Bicycles, Bicycles, Pedestrians, QQs, Babies in a carriage.
Section III: Traffic Lights
Article 1: Red means stop, except for the first five seconds after a light turns red, during which you may still run through the light.
Article 2: Red also means go, if you want it to.
Article 3: Instead of waiting patiently for a left turn light, you may be an asshole and cut in line. Hell. Everyone cuts in line at McDonald's, so therefore, we'd like to keep the rules uniform.
Section IV: Bribes
Article 1: If you get pulled over by a policeman, please refer to the schedule posted on http://bribes.jiaotong.com.cn for the appropriate amounts to pay. Payments are accepted on all currencies, except for Japanese Yen. Please don't forget to ask for a fapiao.
Section V: Highways
Article 1: Four lane highways actually mean six. The shoulders on both sides of the road may be used at all times. Please be aware of donkey carts in the shoulder though.
Article 2: You may disregard the signs posted for Speed Limits and also those designating certain types of vehicles for occupancy of each lane. (These are for appearance purposes only, so we don't look too bad in the international media.)
Section VI: Rush Hour
Article 1: Please simply follow the vehicle in front of you as closely as possible. It is highly advised to block the box. Please have total disregard for others, cause they can just wait for the next green light.
Article 2: Pedestrians can cross the road at any time. Please try to avoid getting hit by a car though. We don't want to have to doctor our statistics for traffic-related fatalities, more than we already do.
Article 3: When stuck in a traffic jam, please honk your horn as obnoxiously as possible. Your honking efforts WILL get the traffic moving.
Section VII: Sidewalks and Bicycle Lanes
Article 1: As long as your car fits, you may drive on sidewalks and in bicycle lanes. (Sidewalks and bicycle lanes are just for those too poor to own a car.) To be thoughtful though, please honk your horn continuously so cyclists and pedestrians know you are coming. If you hit somebody, it's okay, since you have the right of way. The pedestrian or bicyclist will have to pay for the damages to your car.
Section VIII: Driving
Article 1: You are not required to stay in your own lane. The dotted lines are there for appearance purposes only.
Article 2: When changing lanes, you do not need to use a blinker. (We don't even know what they are for anyways) Instead, simply guide your vehicle into the next lane. If you hear somebody honking, quickly steer your vehicle back into your original lane. If you don't hear any honking, then you've just successfully completed a lane change.
Article 3: It is highly advised to honk your horn at all times while in a vehicle. We want to make everyones driving experience "re nao". The louder the better.
Article 4: If you are looking for a street number, etc. while on an unfamiliar road, you may stop your car in the middle of road at any time. Passengers in vehicles behind you will be patient, since we all live in a harmonious society. It is not advisable to pull over in order to keep traffic moving, since that doesn't makes any sense whatsoever.
Article 5: You may use your cell phone to send SMS messages while driving, since it's not all that important to keep your eyes on the road.
Section IX: Traffic Accidents
Article 1: If you are a pedestrian and in the vicinity of a traffic accident, you are advised to call your friends, instead of the police, on your mobile phone. Then you should crowd around the scene of the traffic accident, and begin to discuss which party was at fault.
Article 2: Ambulances are guaranteed to arrive at the scene within 48 hours.
Section I: Parking
Article 1: You may park your vehicle anywhere you'd like, including the sidewalk, unless a police officer wishes to park in your spot.
Article 2: If a police officer tries to give you a parking ticket, you may cuss at him.
Article 3: When parking on a street, you may park your vehicle 5 feet away from the curb, at most. It doesn't matter if your vehicle has blocked a portion of the driving lane.
Section II: Right of Way
Article 1: The right of way belongs to the vehicle that is the largest, or has the loudest horn. The only exceptions are police cars, who always have the right of way.
Article 2: The simple order is as follows: Bulldozers, Dump Trucks, Public Buses, Ivecos, Cars, Ambulances, Motorcycles, Mopeds, Electric Bicycles, Bicycles, Pedestrians, QQs, Babies in a carriage.
Section III: Traffic Lights
Article 1: Red means stop, except for the first five seconds after a light turns red, during which you may still run through the light.
Article 2: Red also means go, if you want it to.
Article 3: Instead of waiting patiently for a left turn light, you may be an asshole and cut in line. Hell. Everyone cuts in line at McDonald's, so therefore, we'd like to keep the rules uniform.
Section IV: Bribes
Article 1: If you get pulled over by a policeman, please refer to the schedule posted on http://bribes.jiaotong.com.cn for the appropriate amounts to pay. Payments are accepted on all currencies, except for Japanese Yen. Please don't forget to ask for a fapiao.
Section V: Highways
Article 1: Four lane highways actually mean six. The shoulders on both sides of the road may be used at all times. Please be aware of donkey carts in the shoulder though.
Article 2: You may disregard the signs posted for Speed Limits and also those designating certain types of vehicles for occupancy of each lane. (These are for appearance purposes only, so we don't look too bad in the international media.)
Section VI: Rush Hour
Article 1: Please simply follow the vehicle in front of you as closely as possible. It is highly advised to block the box. Please have total disregard for others, cause they can just wait for the next green light.
Article 2: Pedestrians can cross the road at any time. Please try to avoid getting hit by a car though. We don't want to have to doctor our statistics for traffic-related fatalities, more than we already do.
Article 3: When stuck in a traffic jam, please honk your horn as obnoxiously as possible. Your honking efforts WILL get the traffic moving.
Section VII: Sidewalks and Bicycle Lanes
Article 1: As long as your car fits, you may drive on sidewalks and in bicycle lanes. (Sidewalks and bicycle lanes are just for those too poor to own a car.) To be thoughtful though, please honk your horn continuously so cyclists and pedestrians know you are coming. If you hit somebody, it's okay, since you have the right of way. The pedestrian or bicyclist will have to pay for the damages to your car.
Section VIII: Driving
Article 1: You are not required to stay in your own lane. The dotted lines are there for appearance purposes only.
Article 2: When changing lanes, you do not need to use a blinker. (We don't even know what they are for anyways) Instead, simply guide your vehicle into the next lane. If you hear somebody honking, quickly steer your vehicle back into your original lane. If you don't hear any honking, then you've just successfully completed a lane change.
Article 3: It is highly advised to honk your horn at all times while in a vehicle. We want to make everyones driving experience "re nao". The louder the better.
Article 4: If you are looking for a street number, etc. while on an unfamiliar road, you may stop your car in the middle of road at any time. Passengers in vehicles behind you will be patient, since we all live in a harmonious society. It is not advisable to pull over in order to keep traffic moving, since that doesn't makes any sense whatsoever.
Article 5: You may use your cell phone to send SMS messages while driving, since it's not all that important to keep your eyes on the road.
Section IX: Traffic Accidents
Article 1: If you are a pedestrian and in the vicinity of a traffic accident, you are advised to call your friends, instead of the police, on your mobile phone. Then you should crowd around the scene of the traffic accident, and begin to discuss which party was at fault.
Article 2: Ambulances are guaranteed to arrive at the scene within 48 hours.
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